Who am I?

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about who I am as a photographer. It's one of those things that happens from time to time; when things are not as busy as usual, when I've seen some work that excites or intimidates me, or when I've had a couple margaritas. All three of those factors apply lately so the introspection is on full-force.

I just ended my busiest work season ever, starting with seven weddings last August. September and October brought a manageable wedding load but collegiate sports and high school teams kept me hopping. Throw in the commercial work, a little freelance writing, gymnastics portraits and sick children and it all adds up to exhaustion followed by neurosis over whether I'm doing what I'm doing to the best of my ability.

Things finally cooled down in February so I've been travelling with my kids these last few weeks in the St. Louis area. I finally did something I've been wanting to do for a while - had my kids photographed at Ridgeway Portrait Design in O'Fallon, IL. This may sound weird, being that photography is sort of my thing. Why spend a bunch of money at some ritzy studio?

I must say, I had several motives, not the least of which is that it's nice to be "just mommy" sometimes. I have a really hard time with my own kids in the studio. My daughter gets her goofy faces going and my little guy is in constant motion. Don't get me wrong - I have thousands of great candid photographs of them from around the house, at the park, the pumpkin patch, the lake, wherever. And I really prefer this type of portraiture anyway. But you gotta have a few really good formal portraits to mark childhood, and this was my chance.

And then there's the industrial espionage factor. I've admired Ridgeway for some time now. They do beautiful work and I wanted to see firsthand how they do it. That's a major way photographers get better, by looking at others' work, trying to emulate it and developing their own style with fresh insight.

There's no question that the husband-wife Ridgeway duo has this portrait thing down pat. The studio is breathtaking, the work is magnificent. Cheryl is all business and John is all rapport and creative ideas.

It makes my portrait skills feel small and insignificant. It makes me want to amp it up to provide that kind of portraiture, which is severely lacking in my part of central New York. I get all kinds of big ideas about how I'd do it and how rewarding it could be, financially and artistically.

But I have to pause and reflect ... do I really want to do that kind of photography? Do I want to be that kind of photographer? If not, what is my real aim in doing what I do? Who do I want to be and how will I make my mark?

It's enough to make my head spin. I haven't figured it out yet. Right now, I get a taste of everything - weddings, portraits, sports, commercial and even a little writing. But it prevents me from being the best-of-the-best, a specialist in any one area. The variety, though, of what I do keeps me fresh, I think. Every day is different and I never get bored from day-to-day, week-to-week, month-to-month.

Please view my work at www.strinnistudio.com